Days Off On Tour

I’m currently writing to you from Germany, on tour. Exciting, eh? Well – it’ll be published at a different time as I’m now stuck in a forest for a van sleep as we’ve had a day off.

Days off are funny. Essentially, imagine a shit school trip where you’re stuck with people, like you are everyday – but on this school trip you’re too tight to actually go anywhere or do anything so you spend most of the time deciding where will be cheapest to get breakfast, arguing who’s round is next for the beers and then tucking into each other as hard as possible with the banter, with the looming knowledge in the back of your mind that there isn’t the hour and 45 respite you get from a gig. So, in short there’s a large chance it may all go a bit serial killer when you park up and sleep in a woods. I may be sounding as if I don’t enjoy this malarkey. I do – and I love the guys in the band but in the end of the day, it’s funny to see the shit sides of things. It’s VERY British. But not as British as a cup of tea – something you can only really get in Germany if you’re prepared for the despair of each and every one of them being wrong. I tell you for one thing, if hitler had won the war, then the great British cup of tea would most likely be undrinkable. Perspective is a funny thing.

However, you put a few great minds together in a place and you’re guaranteed to come up with some pretty interesting ideas. Apple computers was a few nerds in a garage. Amazon not much different! Hell, some government policies have at least not been terrible, and that’s just a few knobs in a room somewhere.

Let’s set the scene. It’s fucking Baltic. That’s about it really. We are in the woods, in the van – it’s very fucking cold. We’ve had a glorious night of beers and monopoly, and I can say that as for the first time ever – I actually won! A few unlucky rolls and I’d be telling you how terrible life is, and how they all managed to code the iPad game to screw me over with the dice.

So, we’ve all decided it’s time to go to bed, as rock and roll as we are – it’s midnight and we want to leave enough time for a good breakfast tomorrow. We’ve done the usual thing of getting ready and quickly getting out the van for a wee, but the worst thing about it is that if we have to do it in the night, it’s even colder and we know we’ll have to put shoes on. My tour shoe of choice is some black DMs as they’re hard wearing enough to survive and I’m sure they’d bloody hurt if I got angry enough to kick anyone. But they’re a nightmare for a 2am pitch black piss. Then the frontman pipes up with the idea to end all ideas. He has some brogues at home – he doesn’t want them anymore, so why don’t we all have them in the van and we’ve then got communal piss shoes.

Communal. Piss. Shoes.

I cannot get my head around whether it is a great idea or not. Would you squeeze your feet In a piss covered pair of old shoes just to save the thirty second hassle of putting on your own? Would you want said piss shoe to be living in what is essentially your living space and bedroom? Would you really want the questions when anyone else comes in the van of either “ooo what’s that smell?” Or “why do you leave a fowl pair of old shoes lying there?”.

Well – I think it’s pretty much decided that we are getting a communal piss shoe.

Maybe it’d be a good idea to get an air bnb for myself next time, but where’s the fun in that? At least the idea of the communal wank sock was knocked on the head ‘so to speak’ as soon as we realised someone would have to take It home to wash it on occasion. I’m shuddering writing that now.

Hopefully it be time to do some of that sound engineering crap soon?

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